Break stuff...as long as it's not my stuff

Anger is a totally natural emotion, although we're told the opposite from a very young age.  As toddlers, when we feel the anger of a stolen toy, or a lost turn on the slide, we instinctively do one of two things.  We retreat (as in, cry to our mommies) or we retaliate (as in hit, bite, or any other toddler-approved means of fighting).  Action # 1 leaves us in the role of "victim", for which we are cuddled and coddled, and the other child is shamed and usually punished.  Action # 2 usually means we are in major trouble...but usually leaves us with a feeling of satisfaction (which evolves into guilt as we age).  We learn that retaliation has no grounds and should not be a means of getting what we want.  We learn that anger is wrong, and it should be shuffled out the door or swept under the rug as quickly as it overcame our sensibilities.

  By the time we reach adulthood, many of us with  guilt complexes or a need to "people please" (in other words, people who usually need therapy) have learned just how to deal with the onset of anger: repress it.  The problem with repression is that the anger doesn't go away; it builds until it erupts in the form of a massive credit card bill, some broken glass, or a pile of hubby's clothing on the front lawn.  Usually, these eruptions lead to a forked path, which could be a bankruptcy and a civil lawsuit, or the much more desirable path of an outlet to  an anger-free zone.

Ah, the healthy solution...finding an outlet.  No, I don't mean an outlet in which to stick a safety pin when you feel that you can't contain your anger at a) boss b) boyfriend c) ex-husband d) all of the above (yikes).  I mean an outlet as in a way to release or express your pent-up emotions.  For those of us divorce survivors, we had to find said outlet for anger before we ended up emptying a box of wine while the film crew of Hoarders knocked impatiently at the door.

My own outlet started out as shopping, but quickly became exercise and running.  Sadly, in my line of work, shopping is out of the question.  I've now lost about 25 pounds and I exercise regularly.  That wasn't always the case though.  I had to find an outlet.  I channeled all my frustration, anger, and feelings of woe into a daily 30 minute workout that led to ultimate pound sheddage (new word!) and blissful pant sizes smaller than I had ever hoped to go again.  It wasn't easy though.  It took a lot of hard work, early mornings, and dedication to keep the anger from swelling, like my weight would have if I'd eaten my weight in Ben and Jerry's Cookie Dough (like I originally wanted to do).

The one thing I was not planning for was the day I realized that all of the anger was gone.  What do I do now?  What motivates me?  Anger motivates us to seek success in our goals so often, but what happens when you run out of fuel?   I used to find listening to angry remixes of Limp Bizkit and Stabbing Westward were major fuel for my workouts, but soon I found myself moseying along to the Avett Brothers, and other mellow beats.  I found that contentment was short-lived.  After all, there is always someone or something to make you angry, right?  Being a happy, well-rounded, and positive person means saying no to anger.  I am often reminded of the movie Anger Management when I think of this subject.  Jack Nicholson's character teaches Adam Sandler's character a simple phrase to help him ease his anger when it arise: "Goosfraba."   According to the site urbandictionary.com, this actually means, "A word that Eskimos use to calm down their children. Also a word Eskimos use when they're having sex."  Hmmm.  So maybe that's NOT what I thought.

Finally, I want to admit the truth.   I know that not everyone will pick up running  or crocheting, or even writing as an outlet. Sometimes just venting to a friend or using extreme sarcasm in Facebook posts is outlet enough.  But in the spirit of this blog post, I have created a list to help ease the anger that I still occasionally find following me like a persistent puppy.  Hope this helps some of my fellow survivors of divorce, or work, or any other little idiosyncrasy that life throws your way.

1) Wine (as long as you're only having a glass and not leaving the premises)
2) Chocolate (dark is healthy and good for your heart, but Reese cups usually ease the pain of a mandatory  meeting on a Friday afternoon)
3) Netflix-You can usually find some ridiculous reality show to make you feel better about yourself, and help you to laugh off the anger.  I suggest the show Til Death, a sitcom starring Joely Fisher and Brad Garrett that chooses to celebrate anger instead of hiding it.
4) Buy something frivolous like an expensive cake with your name on it or some rubies (unless, of course, you're the bankrupt person mentioned earlier)
5) Remember, when you're angry, there's usually someone else out there who is just as angry about the same thing.  Find that person and hash it out.  Usually, complaining loves company.  As Olympia Dukakis' character Clairee Belcher says in the hit play/film, Steel Magnolias, "If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody...come sit by me."


Night Y'all.

Unhitched Flick Picks: Ten Movies for Divorced Girls

So, it's sad but true...a lot of us gals have suffered through a divorce.  And while my blog is not solely focused on life after divorce, my second life, as I like to call it, has played a large part in what I write.  I was trying to be supportive of a friend, and as I corroborated with her divorce, dating, and general "What If" anxieties, I thought this list needed to be shared.  Sometimes, diamonds are a girl's best friend.  But what happens when you've taken off that diamond and you're trying to move forward into an uncertain, sometimes scary future?  We all need a little bit of hope and inspiration in those moments.  Some people read Self Help books, and others turn to a therapist.  I've always had a different breed of self-soothing: the movies.  Ever since I was a little girl, I've been fond of, okay more like obsessed with, movies.  I look to them for the ideals that I create about what life should be.  And while those ideals are often, pardon my French, "shot to Hades" by reality, it's still nice to have them lingering nearby.  They provide a glimpse at what life could be, and sometimes that's just enough to keep a gal going.

The Top Ten Movies to Inspire the Divorced Gal, or as I like to call it, The Second Life Gal:

10) Only You-This quirky Rom-Com is set in Pittsburgh (Love it) and Venice (Sort of love it), along with other parts of Italy.  It does way more to romanticize travel than love, for sure.  It's the story of Faith, a girl who gets the name of her would-be future mate off of a Ouija board at age 11.  Faith grows up, accepts reality, and gets engaged to a very sensible fiancee...until one day a man with the magic name surfaces.  This film really creates a magical love story that would win over any cynic.  And a mid-90s Robert Downey Jr. doesn't hurt this one!

9) He's Just Not That Into You- An ensemble comedy of a lot of big-name actors (HOT! Bradley Cooper) and actresses trying to fall in and out of love.  This takes a realistic approach to relationships, and leaves you with some simple advice to apply to future dating ventures.  If he's into you, he'll call you!

8) Eat, Pray, Love-While I could rave about the book for days, the movie is not as a great!  But it does make the list because Julia Roberts is fantastic as Liz, a divorcee traveling the world looking for her true self.  Great cinematography and funny one-liners, but read the book first!

7) Broken English-I watch this only under specific circumstances: a) I want to drink wine b) I am already a little depressed.  It's definitely an "indie" movie, and there are a lot of awkward silences.  But there's just something about it...I mean, I did buy it on DVD.  Parker Posey (awesomeness) is Nora, a thirty-something single girl whose desperation, anxiety, and self-doubt transcend the fictional story and delve a little too deeply into real single girl woes.  It takes a romantic turn when Nora falls for a French hottie with whom she has a very French affair...in New York.

6) Sweet Home Alabama-I'm not sure why this is on my list.  Maybe because it oozes with sweet, Southern goodness from beginning to end.  While the story line is highly unlikely for most divorced girls (getting back with your hot ex-Who would have dumped Jake in the first place?), it is a flick that always gets my mind off of any sadness and reminds me to stick to my guns.

5) Legally Blonde-Another awesome divorce movie, for sure.  Jilted bimbo-turned-lawyer Elle definitely plays the "I Win" game with her ex (Pooh Bear!) and shows him what he is missing.  The scene in which Elle and her BFF nail tech Paulette visit a trailer to retrieve Paulette's dog is priceless!

4) Sex and the City: The Movie-Talk about girlfriends picking you up after you've fallen!!  While parts of this are tough to stomach, especially if you were a fan of Steve and Miranda, I think that the movie took these four ladies whom we so love from the TV series to new heights.  A little too honest and realistic at times, it does remind us that our friends are always there when we need them.

3) Elf-This will definitely get your mind off of anything that might be troubling you, because it's hilarious, Christmasy, and whimsical.  The date scene with Jovie and Buddy is definitely worth the viewing.  Sometimes I watch that scene only and then turn it off!! That date, with the world's "best" cup of coffee and the skipping, is everything I know exists and everything I want from my other half.  This movie reminds me that silly, irrational, ridiculous love does exist!

2) Mermaids-Great chick flick.  It's a mother and her two daughters trying to figure out their relationships with themselves, each other, and the men who fall for them.  Winona Ryder's character Charlotte is so quirky, over zealous, and zany that it's hard not to laugh.  Her narration throughout the movie reminds us all of how ridiculous our teenage ideas were!  What I always liked about this movie was the scene when Cher (Ryder's on-screen mom) is sitting in the bath tub and she pulls out a map, closes her eyes, and points to a spot.  The family moves there the next week.  I always thought that freedom like that didn't exist.  When you start your second life, you realize that, while you definitely would not have chosen this route, it's all about the ride.  You can go anywhere and do anything you truly desire!

1) Under the Tuscan Sun-This movie is number one because it really embodies the divorce experience.  The denial, the sorrow, the anger, the fear, the irrational and sometimes questionable decision making in those first few weeks after you've uncoupled...this film has it all.  It's based on a book by Francis Mayes about her real-life experiences in Tuscany.  I always loved the scene in which Francis is sitting at a restaurant with her best friend Patty, and a chocolate cake with the word "Freedom" is delivered.  Patty and her partner offer for Francis to take over their "Gay and Away" tickets to Tuscany...and thus the rest of Francis' crazy, wild adventure ensues.  That moment in the movie really reminds me that all of us who have walked in divorced girl shoes need a little push, a lot of love, and a chance to jump blindly into what the future holds, no matter how crazy it may seem to others.  Francis never thought she'd be starting her life over, but she finds herself in that position, nonetheless.  Patty encourages her saying, "Have you ever come across one of those empty shell people?  You wondered what happened to them.  At some point in each of those lives, they came to a crossroads."

Sometimes it takes a year to gather your thoughts, your feelings, and yourself and move on.  Sometimes it takes a month, a week, a day.  And sometimes, it takes a movie.

Change of Taste

  I think it's really funny how tastes change over the years.  It's kind of nice to be at an age where you can clearly spot, identify, and even laugh about phases of the past.  Everything is clearer in retrospect.

  I wouldn't say I don't like any of my passe hobbies or interests anymore, but I definitely don't have the passion for them that I once did.  So, take a moment and think about your own phases.  Food, fashion, friends??  It's one of the quirks of life to change your tastes.  Some people are better about sticking with one or two passions for the long haul.  I really admire those people, but at the same time, I think it's okay to change.  Think about the people who have the same hairstyle for 20 years!  That's a little too long to rock the Dorothy Hammill haircut!

Here are some phases I've had, so feel free to laugh, or start your own phase!

1) I Live in NC, but Constantly Eat Cajun Food Phase- I still like it spicy, and I'll still eat Cajun food when I get the chance at Charlotte's own Cajun Queen in Elizabeth.  Delish!  However, there was once a time when I was eating Cajun food without pause, and starting to sound like Rene off of True Blood (Just kidding...laisser le bon temps rouler).  I think this was brought on by a 2002 visit to New Orleans; I tend to latch on to the places I visit, especially when they are super cool.

2) Independent Film Phase-Long, awkward silences, lots of chewing in dark, desolate diners, and often times gratuitous violence.  Um, sign me up??  I'm all for "artsy" and "moody"; I own the movie Broken English with Parker Posey, which is definitely all of the aforementioned.  However, I think the film Drive has driven me away from this phase.  Despite Ryan Gosling's hotness.

3) Foreign Film Phase-I used to love watching movies in Spanish or French; I liked the sound of these languages, and trying to decipher what they were saying when I had to go to the fridge.  This phase was short-lived; as my eyesight has worsened, so has my desire to read and watch a movie at the same time.  But maybe if I get Lasik...

4) Honey On Everything Phase-Bread, chicken, in coffee, on fries...too bad I'm not a beekeeper.  This gets expensive quickly!

5) I'm Going To Be A Surfer Phase- Ummm, I don't live near the ocean.  Just because I watched Blue Crush, I thought I was the next Laird Hamilton.  This was one of the most unrealistic phases, but I did buy a lot of cute, early 20s person clothes at PacSun.

6) Boxing Phase-After watching Million Dollar Baby, I was getting all Laila Ali  on every punching bag in the county.  I don't know if this phase was aggression-driven, or if I just liked the idea of warming my hands in those giant gloves.

7) I like _______ music phase-This phase is more generic because it comes and goes, and it's part of being open to new tuneage.  With the invention of iTunes, who has not had a particular music phase in the last ten years?  I will say that I most recently found the Avett Brothers, and they are definitely making the move to the top of my iPod playlist!

8) I like flannel and vampires phase-This was, of course, a Twilight-induced stupor that came on shortly after I read book # 1 and lasted until I finished book # 4.  This phase was really awesome (just kidding).  I found myself wearing long underwear-esque shirts and listening to a lot of emo music from the soundtrack.  I also thought I might fall for someone pale...or over 100.

9) I'm an artist phase-I'm not an artist.  I just play one on occasion.  I have tried many different mediums: canvas, glass, wood, etc.  All of these were epic fails.  All of you are safe; most of them will never be seen by human eye.  Hmmm, that picture of Dorian Gray is somewhere in my attic...

10) The Pepsi Phase-I really thought I was going to become a Pepsi fan to be different, but alas, I like Coke Zero, and I cannot lie.  NO, Coke didn't pay me for that, but they should.

Moral of the story: We all have our little fads, phases, and moments of sheer insanity; however,  we eventually realize what we once thought was cool or cutting edge has become old, tired, or sad.  Hopefully, we won't say the same for ourselves one day.  Following fads and trends, or falling in love with a new product, idea, or genre keeps us fresh and young.  We all have our old faithfuls that we return to, because we're creatures of habit.  So, after a while, we go back to sweet and sour sauce instead of honey, or we realize that moving to Hawaii is really out of the question.  Unless the cards fall into place, the stars align, and that phase that everyone thought was crazy turns out to be the best thing you ever did.

To Tech or Not To Tech...

Recently, I had to wait about twenty minutes for a table at a restaurant (not an uncommon practice in Charlotte). We instituted the age old "there's a wait" practice by going to the bar for a round of drinks before the last remaining pager on Earth (the restaurant pager) buzzed.  As I looked around the bar, which was pretty packed, I noticed a group of single girls, a group of single guys (I'm no Patti Stanger, but Hello!), a family or two, etc. all huddled around the bar.  These people were different heights, races, and ages, but they had one thing in common: the iPhone.  I used to think that only rich people had the iPhone.  Then, I thought only young professionals had it.  Then, my friend Melissa joined the ranks.  This blog isn't about the popularity of the iPhone, though.  It's about people who don't have one: namely, my friends Tara, Mike, and I.  Are we the last early thirtysomethings without this nugget of technology?

As Tara, her husband Mike, and I chatted about movies, and even placed a bet after arguing about a scene in a TV show, my future flashed before me at a glance.  That sounds whimsical and cliche, but it's true.  I glanced up to wipe the frost off my glass, and realized that the hordes around us were not talking, laughing, or even watching the multiple TV screens surrounding the bar.  They were texting, checking Facebook, tweeting, and I imagine looking up some kind of senseless fact on Wikipedia.  No one seemed to say, "Found it!" and return to the conversation.  Everyone's eyes remained glued to the iPhone screen, ignoring their present company as they waited.

This raised the question in my head: Should I get an iPhone and join the masses, or be left behind?  Or should I look at the question entirely differently?  Maybe not having an iPhone was keeping the conversation going, and keeping good, old-fashioned human interaction a priority.  Everyone says that I am addicted to Facebook and Twitter, since I tend to log on at friends' houses to check my feed or retweet a funny comment.  I often look at this stuff as conversation starters.  My boyfriend is on a really tedious work schedule, and I rely on Facebook and Twitter to lend me newsworthy topics to entertain him at night on his 40 minute drive back home.  So, I'm not anti-technology by any means.  But do I need it in the palm of my hand?

When we returned back to my friend Tara's house, we settled the bet by pulling up the TV episode in question, and of course, Mike won, so now we have to go see a  'man' movie :(  But was it such a big deal to wait?  Is it ever that much of an inconvenience to wait for information?  Do we really need to know that Bob is engaged during dinner, or that Whitney broke a crown on her tooth eating a Baby Ruth (Dr. Suess for Facebook)?  

I think inevitably, I will get the iPhone 5 when it is released this spring/summer.  My argument about old-time communication is valid, though.  I know people have "cell phones on the counter" and "turn it off at dinner" rules.  But I'm talking about the bar wait right now.  That was "time to kill", and people were taking advantage.  Aren't those moments some of the few and fleeting empty ones that still exist today?  

Enough with the hypothetical questions, and the pros and cons of travel-size technology.  My point is this: In future scenarios of waiting for a table, I hope to still hear laughter from a bad joke shared to fill a silence or see a couple share a kiss and exchange "I Love You" when they're backed into a corner of the bar.  I don't think that kind of time is wasted.  As Carrie Bradshaw says in one of my favorite SATC episodes, "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda", "Life is what happens when you're waiting for a table."

Holding on to the past?

When should someone let go of the past?  More importantly, when should you let go of past stuff?  It may mean the difference between a calm, clean home setting and an appearance on the show Hoarders.  I've been lucky enough to move twice (uhh, did I say lucky?) in the past two years, and I have purged a great deal of stuff.  However, I am currently left with a quandary: Should it stay or should it go?  I have several items in the attic at my former rental house, and luckily my former roommate has been kind enough to let said stuff stay.  I need to decide to dump it or keep it.

Back in the stone age, or even the pioneer days, too much stuff was never an issue that plagued the average person.  I don't think cavemen were complaining about animal skins piling up by the dozens like, say, the greeting cards I've kept and collected over time.  And I seriously doubt that when Papa Ingalls was loading the wagon, Laura's massive collection of folded notes from high school had to tag along.  My point is that as time has skipped along, we as humans have accumulated more and more stuff.  And not just stuff.  I'm not really referring to the glasses or the afghan or even the edible underwear (hey, I don't judge) that you bought yesterday.  I'm talking about mementos.  When should they hit the pavement, on your allotted trash or recycle day?  Or better yet, or better for the environment, donate it.

This draws up a larger question as well...when should a gal get rid of the stuff from her ex? I have to admit that I kept certain things I'd become attached to after my split.  Purses, namely.  Although, I did manage to part with a few at a yard sale.  I had three phases: dump it, keep it, dump it.  In phase one, I was packing up the house we shared and I was ready for everything to go.  I gave a porch, that's right a porch, full of stuff to a donation center, which they graciously picked up for me!  After my initial move, I was in minimalist heaven, or so it felt, until more and more items with ties to the ex surfaced.  A Christmas ornament here, a t-shirt there.  Before I knew it, I was treasuring a past that wasn't so shiny as if it were wrapping paper on Christmas morning (still on the boxes).  When I "came to", I realized that that stuff had to go too.  And so it did.  I actually sold a pair of earrings and my wedding bands (I paid for the rings themselves) at a second-hand antique shop while I was in Palm Springs on a trip.  It felt like a lot of closure, and a lot of relief.  Thus, the third cyclical 'dump it' phase.

I have more questions than I have answers, and from time to time, I still stumble across items that "we" purchased, but I usually find a justification for keeping them...seeing as how they made it this long, and outlasted all three phases.  So, I usually don't feel bad about them.  Men are just as prone to hang on to mementos as women are, in my personal belief system, that is.  I think there are probably pieces here and there creeping around his closet, his bureau drawer, or even his bathroom.

How I Met Your Mother did an episode about this early on, when Ted discovered that Robin's dogs were all gifts from exes.  He argued that his ex stuff was just stuff, materials, but could he really ask Robin to get rid of her living, breathing reminders of past relationships?  This was a really thought-provoking episode.

I guess the long and short of it is this...hang on to what you need, but don't live your everyday life like you're looking at a photo album of the past.  Toss it.  That's my personal standpoint.

Just in case... (Resolutions for 2012)

A lot of sources (albeit ancient sources) say that 2012 may be Earth's last year.  Of course, there are three groups of people as a result: skeptics (2012 is just another year), believers (2012 is our last year!), and the oblivious (What's a Mayan calendar?).  I am not sure which group I fall into, but I'm leaning towards the believers...for one small reason.  I don't actually think the world will end in 2012, but maybe I'll live by these words anyway..."just in case".  What if it is the last year?  What would you do?  What would you say?  How would you live your life?

Here's my "just in case" list for 2012, ya know, just in case.

 Just in case this is my last NYE, I don't want overpriced cocktails, shouting over a crowd of strangers, or the ultimate let down of planning a super-fun night.  You see, the best adventures in life are never, ever planned.  I have only come to this revelation in the last few years.  Before that, I was a victim of disillusionment from movies, TV, and the media.  While I love When Harry Met Sally more than I love some of my own friends (you know who you are:) ), I realize that the last scene of that movie is really The Devil.  New Year's Eve generally does not end with hoards of singing people covered in confetti and a love proclamation.  So, this year, just in case it's the last one, I want to spend NYE with people I love, talking, dancing, rapping...ya know.  Sometimes the best plan is to ditch the plan.

Other resolutions?

Well, guess you'll just have to wait and see...but just in case, I'll be working on that list!

Smart Art: Idea for a GNO (Girl's Night Out)

Someone once told me, "Less is More."  I think that was my kindergarten teacher, and I think it involved my liberal use of the finger paints.  Despite the fact that my work won't be hanging in the Louvre any time soon, making art is still a fantastic form of expression, a means of relaxation, and it's a lot of fun.  My BFSJBWATIHME (Best Friend Since Justin Bieber Was A Twinkle In His Mama's Eye-Think that acronym will catch on??) and I decided to try something different for our latest adventure in Charlotte: painting wine glasses.  You've seen them on the shelves of your favorite kitschy boutique or arty bargain store; personalized wine glasses for that special occasion, the colors of a favorite team, or a specific holiday theme are the perfect gift for the vino drinker on your list.

Wine and Design is located on East Boulevard across from Moe's and just down from Cantina 1511 (http://paintpartiesstudios.com/charlotte/).  The upstairs studio boasts all kinds of opportunities to release your inner Monet: pet painting (canvas not K9), guided painting, open studio time, and much more.  Their website features a calendar with the various guided painting experiences offered weekly.  The friendly, trendy staff helps to set you up with your paint colors of choice and materials, while you pour your favorite wine, which is BYOB.  Tara and I had oodles of fun, enjoyed conversation with other amateur artists, and painted to our hearts' content to the seasonal tunes of "Baby, it's Cold Outside" and "Christmas Canon".  Here are five reasons you should try a "Girl's Art Out":

1) Painting is proven to be soothing after a stressful day/week, and on a Friday night, it's better for you than that third martini
2) Every girl loves a personalized wine glass (whether a gift or one you make yourself)
3) Meeting new people, being nosy and asking questions, and overall adult social interaction is a must
4) BYOB means you're out on the town without spending a fortune
5) " Every child is an artist.  The problem is how to remain an artist once we grow up."  ~Pablo Picasso

I think my kindergarten teacher would be proud that I still got it! (She's rolling her eyes in Heaven-That girl was the worst artist:) )